Like a place of ill repute, it is tucked away in an obscure corner on the basement level of the centre. Rather shamefully, this is not my first time calling upon the service, so I remember the way.

It has all the ingredients of a hit music video: scenes featuring several sexy girls in string bikinis catching some rays on a sun-soaked beach, or showing off shapely legs in teeny tiny shorts, occasionally pausing whatever it is they are doing and leaning in to cosy up to the star.

D...

Every day I excitedly counted the hours until the stroke of midnight, knowing that I would be hearing his soothing voice again. Even if the reception was marred by irritating static, the crackle could not disguise the loveliness of his voice, infused as it was with warmth, kindness and, often, mischievously tinkling with humour.

Stellenbosch – The life of a gorgeous local communicator is hanging by a thread after a tragic – yet, in retrospect, rather inevitable – encounter with a cup of coffee.

Miss BiBi (full name BlackBerry) Bold had been in critical condition on a sundrenched windowsill of a farmhouse situated on the outskirts of town since having a horrific encounter with a steaming mug of java. The unfortunate accident happened way before the crack of noon on Wednesday morning. By Thursday, BiBi’s condition had deteriorated to such an extent that the device was urgently transported to a cellular repair shop in town.

Her guardian, local blogger Redsaid, was allegedly responsible. (Although several witnesses have already – and slightly too eagerly, if you ask us – issued sworn statements, gleefully saying that they saw her do it with their own eyes.)

Redsaid, who has recently taken guardianship of BiBi from her sister, is rumoured to be a hardcore caffeine addict.  “But don’t think you’ll catch her in local coffee bars or cafés. She’s far more insidious about it,” said an anonymous source claiming to be a close family confidante. “She’s the type that drinks at home. ALONE.”

Leaning in, the confidante... erm... confided: “She is the one who should be drying out right now, if you know what I mean.”

An investigation into Redsaid’s sordid past has revealed a disturbing trend. “This woman has a shocking track record when assuming guardianship of electronics. Various devices, from cameras, to smartphones, to not-so-smartphones... have reached awful endings while in her care. And a few of them were still so young, they were hardly out of their boxes!”  revealed yet another anonymous source.

At the windowsill, a visibly upset Redsaid was constantly seen by BiBi’s side, regularly checking the handset’s vitals and incessantly knocking back mugs containing an unidentified beverage that had a distinct, suspiciously coffee-like aroma.

She was too distraught to comment, but the thumb on her right hand - the one that she uses to controll BiBi’s trackball - was twitching forlornly. 

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Some girls like fast cars. I’m not one of them.

I have always yearned to embark on a sea voyage. However, my nautical skills are naught and I cannot swim. I float, a la Ophelia, and as we all know, she eventually drowned, so she might not necessarily be the most ideal candidate to emulate in the water...